Thursday, November 10, 2011

How my divorce almost affect my breastfeeding, and how we still strong

Finally I'm strong enough to talk about it, and I feel the need to do it. No just for me, but for many more who can relate this story to they own. Unfortunately I'm not the only one on go through a situation like this, and I don't think it was because of the fact of been a teen and a young mom. This can happen to any one at any age


After a long journey, 3 kids and all the ups and downs I was convince that I get to the point of a good marriage. at that point I thought that we have a good marriage a unbreakable one, even if the inside was telling me all the time that we were not.
I didn't listen...
After a brain surgery and fighting with some health issues, we thought that another baby will make your marriage stronger, I believe that one more baby will complete our family. After months of trying it finally happened, my little miracle start growing inside me.

After a difficult pregnancy, full of complications, a lot of bed rest who ended on a c-section at 36 weeks. This amazing life come and fill of joy my heart.
I was so in love with this new life, this perfect picture that I always had in my mind.
A lovely husband, four amazing kids a new house. My health still give me some trouble but who cares about that when you have such a wonderful blessing in your life.

Soon I realized that I was living a big lie, full of lies and unfair things. He was living with us, eating dinner with us, going to vacation with us. But he was not  with us any more. His heart belong to someone else. The communication between us drop to nothing and we became 2 strangers living under the same roof.

My tank of love was completely empty, of course I have the love of my kids but I mean the love that we need from a partner, it was no love there.

Finally the day came when he confess that it was someone else in his life, he left that same night.
All this happen in the same month of my 3 older kiddos birthdays, he never came to celebrate with the boys. He was already too busy in his new family.

It was really hard, the hardest thing I ever been through (and I been through a lot all my life) but had to saw my kids with an  inconsolable cry, asking me question that I couldn't even answer my self was really hard, heart breaking.

Even if my own heart was in pain for all this situation, I must put my own pain, my own feelings as side to be strong for my boys.

This past 2 months was the hardest of my life, is not only that he left ( I'm sure that is for better) but my mom is with him, and they were trying to put me in a mental health facility and take my kids away from me. They were insulted me, confusing the boys, they cut my power and water off in my house. It was just too much to soon.

As you can imagine all this not only affect me mentally but fiscally too. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat I was exhausted. I drop 25 lbs in 3 weeks (OK that's not so bad) but all this affect my milk supply in a very drastic way. Thomy-tomato who always was a healthy baby, even with the fact of been born a months early, he is a strong baby. But the same week his father left he start having a tremendous fever that no go down. He stop gaining weight and I was so scared that my breastfeeding relationship it was getting to an end.
I couldn't accept that, no only for the reason that he do not take bottles or accept food yet. Now more than ever I need that relationship and those coddles with him, breastfeed him make me happy, make me proud and I feel complete even if I had part of my heart empty.

"I will not give up breastfeeding" I say to my self, what was the next step? find help, and support. And you know what? I found it!!!.  Some of that support came for people close to me, some came from people who don't know me, who live miles aways but with an awesome heart extend a lovely hand to me.

Mother's milk tea and fenugreek help a lot, but the most important help was the love and care that I received from other moms that I found on The Leaky b@@b, one of them send me a box with this tea, the fenugreek, some vitamins and new cloth for Thomy. What I love the most is the note he wrote me. I pray every night for her and I promise to past the favor to other mom in need.

My other big support came from locals moms and friends, who do not let me alone in the bad darkest days.Thanks to my very good friends Gale and Melvin, because they were there for me and they still there for me every time I need them. You know what is amazing about them? I meet them on the big latch on this past world breastfeeding week and soon we became good friends.

In this hard times, I found a great support. Maybe they think they not do too much, but they did, just with listen to me when I need it, or give me a must needed advice they help a lot.The teachers on my kids school, the principal, the counselor, moms and dads of my kiddos peers. My friends on Facebook.

My family isn't close to me, most of them are in Argentina. But thanks to Facebook

My aunt in Miami she was awesome on support me and pick me up on those days when I feel my world falling apart, she help me to trust God and let the thing be. I'm learning to be patient and calm. Resolving everything that comes one day at the time. Thanks Roxana and Roberto for all the support.

How I can still stand up, with my smile on my face and my desired to live? the answer for that is God give me fight and my boys keep me strong.They are taking this in a very mature way for they ages and I'm so proud of them even more now but right now I'm the one who want them to feel proud of me. I want to show them how strong I can be and that my fight for them will never end.

Now we are celebrating 9 months of exclusive breastfeed. He just start trying solid like 2 weeks ago but breast milk still his first source of nutrition and he is doing great, at 20lb 30z 31in he is healthy as can be, he learn to crawl 2 months ago and he is standing and trying to walk already.

Everything happen for a reason, better thing are coming to my way and here I am waiting for it. Is not the end of the story, is just a new beginning for better. I still have more pages to write in this book of life.